You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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