He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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