When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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