You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
