I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
