Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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