Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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