i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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