Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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