You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
