I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
