my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
