I accidentally burped into my bong.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Floor bacon is actually really good
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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