Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
