im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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