fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
