that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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