I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
