dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
