the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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