I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
