Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
