Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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