I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
