i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
