I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
