I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
