It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
