I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
