bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize