Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
