i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
