I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just pee around me
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
