brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
