Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
