o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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