i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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