My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
