let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
