I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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