never play flip cup with pint glasses
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
There are leaves in my underwear?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
