Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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