i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
