Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize