you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
