I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
