Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
