Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
