Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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