now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
