I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
