All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Randomize
