so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
