mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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