dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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