$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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