he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
