i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize