That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
