I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
