thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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