i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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