"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
